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ISSUE #1000



EDITORIAL by I WIsh My Name Were Nathan



by I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

It's been several months now sInce KIlgore had that unfortunate accIdent wIth the fIreworks. We've had our collectIve moments of sIlence, grIef, and rememberances. But State of unBeIng must move forward. HerewIth, you mournIng bastards, I'm proud to announce that *I WON* the recent apple-bobbIng contest held to decIde the new edItor of State of unBeIng, and the unscheduled wedgIe war followIng. Bow down to your new ruler!

ThIs e-zIne wIll go places now that our despotIc ex-edItor Is out of the pIcture. Oh yes. No more late Issues. No more mIssIng August Issues -- no damn wussy CIA Is gonna threaten me wIth torture. MetIculous spell-checkIng wIll our strIct polIcy foerver! And I won't lose the fuckIng maIlIng lIst!

ThIs Issue heralds In a new era for thIs zIne. ImmedIately I am makIng the followIng stylIstIc changes:

* * * * *

Please note that the e-maIl address for State of unBeIng has changed. "" was only temporary. Now, dIrect your submIssIons and letters to "". The web page Is offIcIally now at address "" (Unfortunately, due to space restrIctIons, most of the fIles are stIll under Hagbard's dastardly clutches at

* * * * *

So, loyal readers (and If you're not, you'll never get prInted agaIn), here we head forth wIth the brand-new SoB!



Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 23:38:25 -0700
From: lIz
Subject: It's groupIe tIme.

sInce I've already been a groupIe for the last two months, I was
thInkIng maybe I'd take a lIttle tIme off from my lack of
responsIbIlItIes. you know, lay back and hIde from the sun. but who am I
kIddIng. my true callIng Is to be an offIcIal SoB groubIe and I can't
rest untIl I gaIn that sort of statIs. 
so I am back yet agaIn thIs month pleadIng to be the fIrst certIfIed SoB
groupIe for lIfe. If thIs Is not possIble at the present moment maybe
you should just put me down as the generIc monthly groupIe. It's ok. I
suppose I'm used to It. 

[ AlrIghty, lIz, you're the offIcIal groupIe! How about that? KIlgore never called you OFFICIAL, dId he? The unfeelIng Ingrate. ]

Date: Sun, 13 Jul 1997 20:20:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Crackmonkey:

You know...anyone pathetIc enough to beg to be a groupIe as opposed to, say
an occassIonal contrIbutor....should be gIven the tItle of OffIcIal
GroupIe...we can have more than one.


[ You speak the truth, brother. And I "get the drIft" of your last sentence -- you can be a new groupIe too! ]

Date: Sat, 13 Sep 1997 11:42:23 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: WTF??

hey, you bastard, what the fuck Is thIs Issue doIng sIttIng In my maIlbox
proclaImIng my death?  you know as well as I that my emaIl wasn't workIng!  
heads are gonna roll!  just waIt and see If I publIsh one of your long-ass
ramblIng storIes ever agaIn!

kIlgore "fuck'n angry" trout

p.s.  and, oh dear jesus, why dId you have to use HOTMAIL?!!?!

[ InterestIng -- you have the same name as our ex-edItor. ]



KIlgore Trout

I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

I WIsh My Name Were Natnha

I WIsh My Name Were Nathan
The Last ReIch
I WIsh My Name Were Nathan




begin 644 staying_alive.mid
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-- "Mmmbop"


[Prev | Next]

by The Last ReIch

And stupId as shIt, as well. For some reason, AmerIcan teenagers seem to thInk It's so fuckIn'-A cool to get plastered. And the only reason for thIs Is peer pressure and advertIsIng, because anyone wIth an ounce of IntellIgence would never touch alcohol twIce.

"But waIt, The Lasht ReIch, I kynna lIke de feelIn' when I'm way out dere!" you say.

"The feelIng?" The feelIng Is your braIn losIng control of Itself. If you want to get hIgh, there Is such a thIng as masturbatIon. Oh, I'm sorry, I guess that one doesn't apply, because alcoholIsm Is a socIal dIsease; and only when you are alone do you realIze how fuckIng sIck you are. Although a great source of entertaInment for IntoxIcated people, vomItIng and dry heavIng are quIte self-degradIng. Oh yeah, and those super-duper hangovers are blessIngs from God too.

"But, alcoholIshm Is a dIshease! I can't help It!" Yes you could, shIthead! You probably fIrst got drunk around age 14, huh? Well, although beIng a stupId thIng to do, It was also Illegal! You wonder why they make laws? It's to prevent half-assed lIttle Immature IdIots lIke you from fuckIng up your lIfe forever! And, alcoholIsm beIng a dIsease, the only preventIon was NEVER TO START! But I guess It wasn't "cool" to prevent yourself from screwIng up your lIfe.

"Sho you wanna close all the barsh and regressh to a ProhIbItIonIst tIme?" Hell yeah. It Is possIble for us to wIpe out alcohol across the world and make sure people never hear of It agaIn.

"Why, though? There'sh nothIng wrong wIth gettIn a lIttle shItfaced now and then!" What's wrong wIth alcoholIsm Is what's wrong wIth a lot of thIngs that don't seem to have ImmedIate effects on anyone. In thIs magazIne, I saw a great quote: "ChIldren were to hIm as alcohol Is to an alcoholIc." They were talkIng about a chIld molester. Does that put It In perspectIve for you? People have legalIzed alcohol. Should we legalIze chIld molestIng? After all, as I saId before, It doesn't seem to have any ImmedIate effects. It's just dIddlIng a lIttle kId to get hIgh and forgettIng about It. Yeah, but there's a prIce to pay. A lIttle kId's Innocence and entIre perceptIon of sex are shot. Alcohol, though? Oh, that's just a matter of kIllIng people wIth cars and guns, and propagatIng wIfe and kId beatIng. No comparIson, rIght? Face It folks, there's a prIce to pay when you drInk.

By the way, are you stIll guIlty If you are a whIte AmerIcan male? Remember -- we used alcohol to subdue the natIve AmerIcans. Now It Is subduIng us. But who's goIng to take our world over? Maybe just the cockroaches, after some fun-lovIng presIdent of ours pushes the button. WhIle drunk as shIt.


"The day that I left Lucy
A tear fell from her eye
Now I don't have nobody, and I was such a fool
On the day that I left Lucy."

-- "Lucy"


[Prev | Footer]

by I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

[ Here we go, somethIng from MY dIary. I've looked back over It, and It's not so bad. Please note, that personal names have been omItted and phrases rearranged to protect my ego. ]

<-- Ansat rIpoff

Well, who knows. Of course, dId I make them thInk about the lIght, I don't want to plan much, maybe get my ass down to a level of near rest, searchIng the Inner mIndscape Is but because pIece by pIece It Is taken away from them under theIr noses. And C--. Is to perhaps seek changes In order to verIfy knowledge or as It were. It trIggered words from Leary gang story. The group experIence was of the utmost value! Only ended up playIng word games, I don't thInk I can ratIonally answer all these questIons and so I headed to P. RemInd myself of the cardInal rule -- It's pretty good!


ThIs Isn't a game. It's been odd. October! Purposefully holdIng back In order to get the most bang for the buck. Just need to look for applIcatIons now. Follow thIs maybe I should start a new fIle. I knew I should've just waIted. I dId a lIttle experIment and I've never bothered real people wIth exclusIvely sexual emotIons. Other than take responsIbIlIty for your lIves, the psychIatrIsts wIll have a fIeld day wIth me In the future. Some would say thIs was wIse, cItIzens take theIr freedom for granted, I stIll haven't done anythIng useful.

Further questIons I was able to answer on shrooms when K-- always lIkes my humorous storIes. To go to war -- we pretend to have woken hIm from bed wIth C--, I exhIbIt a fear of faIlure. Why should I mow the lawn If I hope It's fun? The vIsuals were very InterestIng now. But the same for plants! And I know there Is a lot bIologIcal In there; I wIll try not to rely on that In brIngIng them down to sIze. If thIs world Is materIal and I should set my sIghts, It's the fIrst tIme In half a year.

She was lookIng for dIrectIons to some track (course) and then I'd just have to open my eyes lest I fall over. LoomIng over my head. ImplIcatIons exIst among them could be 'notIced. Though beggIng for loads of memory and Y-- has taken DXM by now too, It would be InterestIng. Through the utterly new world of the bedroom at whIch I nodded polItely, learned a new useless dIchotomy and the course Is beautIful so far.

I became Independent. I let myself get them back agaIn. I left shortly thereafter, you had to sIt on. I understand them a lIttle better than I had been suckIn' down on a cIgarette and hIs skull.


When I get home, went to the lIbrary to look up books, he's darn ugly nowadays. GettIng the Idea to be trapeze artIsts. For I can be, lIke lIve for the moment, wIth words, and I can't remember It now, K-- gave up smokIng that but I am grateful to have thIs lIttle amount of wIsdom that found motels and don't even make that no response, got the gcc-pentIum, and who cares If as Burroughs suggests, defInItely, or tell them and as of Thursday, Mackay found that I stood off and It woulda been fIne.

I need to learn how to wrIte more subtly. I don't want to act dIfferent, It was yesterday too. Then a hammerhead and In thIs sense, even though It was In electronIc form. I can get somethIng good out of thIs. I saw MIss G-- there! And came home and but more Importantly, brIght lIght, and I've been readIng Funky Llama Club.


I don't thInk It's specIfIcally that Is just as bad as anythIng, K-- couldn't come by sInce C-- got In an accIdent dealIng wIth severed fIngers and hIdIng from hIs parents when not thInkIng that yesterday I went and when two come together, belIevIng In an Other as God (rather than what Is Truth?) FInally the camper stopped and I dId wItness It catch a bug on Its trek down the sIdewalk. OverratIonalIzatIon. I got stood up agaIn! Went and got a lIttle depressed, fInd my luggage. A key to the atomIc bomb, they're all your own. It angers me to thInk that and the steadfast bolsterIng of them leads us Into sItuatIons that whether you should speak or thIs 'context' paradIgm. I want to be more carefree.

And they saId, dance was on. WIred on cafe mocha. And put the backpack on my back. SInce It was all transItory and and ImmedIately I started readIng TwIlIght of the Idols / the AntI-ChrIst. The HIndI stages of lIfe dIctate that but It was such bad vIbes that god shoulda called you back by now though, of course, I'm feelIng uptIght rIght now. I guess If and I thought I saw P--'s expressIon change. But I felt lIke I was radIatIng goodwIll, usIng my submIssIons, rub In our InItIals.


HI there. The extremes are Important. More hallucInatIons, down from thIs frantIc free-floatIng anxIety shIt that I glanced uneasIly at the traffIc on a road back and and I coulda trIpped, of course, I'm free forever. HearIng about these carjackIngs. ConsultIng words of the wIse Is useful. LIbrarIes sometImes reducIng duplIcatIon, moreover, she's got shortcomIngs that romantIc love Is a sIckness of the ego and they ground 'em up somehow and S-- then It helps organIze my thoughts. Learn from them. LIke October. SomethIng wants me to do acId but dIsgust I hurled at myself have been the very tools whIch have rescued me from a lIfe of blInd robotry. That and he seems to dIscuss the questIon I'm havIng about faIth, It was ImpressIve watchIng P-- play. All hIs bones were wooden, fIndIng It borIng.

We had the stupIdest nIght of whInIng and I hadn't accounted for the stress of classes, ansat both return, It's fucked up. I murmured several tImes. DefInItely. I realIzed what he meant. Such as people, I guess It's more a lack of fear In general. My adjacent-to-the-removed-tooth teeth were hurtIng a bIt. Do everythIng but B--- and that and he laughed yes. We smoked, look at Greece. It means actIon. Sat dumbly In B--'s room on hIs floor. LIke them the subject, a sarcastIc frIend jams some up hIs ass to see If they were too old. I just want to confIrm some parapsychologIcal thIngIes whIle no vegItarIan pIzzas though. I just fuckIng dId It.

ThumbIng through the Book some more, to suffer In prIvate? TrIed to wrIte about It, knowIng that and I had a feelIng she lIked me. Very antIclImactIc. He Is worrIed about the terms of our frIendshIps now due to what I've seen hIm and then watched them cook peppers and durIng my abyss perIod, of course, fuckIng KICKED ASS. But she's naturally affectIonate. I agaIn wandered about, one beIng, anyone would notIce my changes however small.

ThIs whole weekend went wrong. Growth sIgnals the exIstence of an ungrown part. (Why should I wrIte fIctIon If my phIlosophy have put me Into a tIght spot wIth thIs.) WhIch I remember seeIng In one of my textbooks as havIng the most polIce-to-people ratIo. He wanted It to be fIlmfest, the gIft, fInally got over the hurdle of acceptIng a prepackaged system I dIdn't wrIte myself. I was about to get all my food off of the ends of the aIsles, no movement, lots of good Ideas In there. What's really goIng on Is that you don't **. I couldn't talk to one of them (at least the cute ones) he comes by -- I can't belIeve It. Why should I? Thought come Into my head because I wasn't attracted to them.

ThIs Is basIcally a plan of radIcal self-Improvement, thIs woman stopped me. We had to scale a rocky wall whIch doubled as a waterfall. Is my profIle a matter of publIc concern? Because It's possIble. RemaIned naked for quIte some tIme. I lIke the weIrd voIces In my head. WantIng to play. Does It drIve our braIns? So I got all angry and pretty regular tIckIng goIng on. And that thIs Is applIed knowledge. I'll remember that, It would be InterestIng. Except all InsIde, and gettIng angry at fIndIng It true. Any acId user knows that and Western phIlosophy. ProgrammIng, I guess I'm searchIng for a balance. Merely dIssatIsfactIon.



Wellpers, I feel much better. Do other thIngs. And he and of course I admIt fault at tImes. It was great. We met at P--'s place and I'm damned happy! I could see how I mIght be able to survIve In such a sItuatIon. Was cleanIng out the game (whIch was two feet hIgh) the streetlIghts were on, I read Leary's translatIon of the TIbetan Book of the Dead. But I bet even they have buzzes now. Bad thoughts dIdn't even apply to me. Usually do dIscrete tasks -- I took It because, havIng rIdden my bIke to school and what should I seek? S-- want to talk wIth me. Y-- takes off hIs pants at S--'s request but It appears that a Separate, one avocatIon.

I wItnessed the engIneers hyperactIvely watchIng the pIctures come In on an X-wIndow statIon (SGI? B-- tonIght, who seemed peeved at somethIng.) What makes you thInk It ever ends? Prepare for every future encounter. We watch A NIghtmare Before ChrIstmas and somethIng else (thIs Is 7/24) nature Is pathologIcal. WIth beIng able to take an Idea and they wouldn't know eIther. BELIEF Is RESTRICTION. I looked around, and two wIll be to become totally IsolatIonIst and I want to have enough wIsdom to know when but It's true. Get theIr mInds blown clean, ansat return agaIn, we got to talk together for a long whIle no reason to even dIscuss It, down staIrs, back to my wrItIng. Sounds lIke '95 and Kerbey Lane and he does a lot of WHAT? Later I apparently had a room wIth them.

Meat-eatIng anImals are really spIrItually defIcIent from the get-go? ThIs crazy black dude, he honestly wants to clear thIngs up.

LIke vases and he was not at all okay wIth It, then any relatIonshIp between them Is a gradIent between total sameness and haven't even examIned the code. Took It as slander agaInst hIm! Later I'd realIze thIs was just a composIte of what I'd been lookIng at day after day for months. SInce he who Is free wouldn't worry about tests anyway. When we went down the one-lane curve, I couldn't rIde my bIke all the way to HEB because of my hot haIr, long to get there? A half months left of thIs summer. Or let them be? You wIll see lIght I notIced the lack of somethIng that the Idea that maybe It's, sImply have no anxIety to begIn wIth. Then excIsements from the book. And part of Letterman. Furthermore, there was freaky John Coltrane musIc playIng, speakIng, I thInk I sat on the couch some more, I could have gone up there. He seems to agree.

I have been out late the past two days, a gIrl whose name I forgot. We drIve to Leander to the HEB -- the loss of meanIng Is replaced by eternal Knowledge. I was stIll hIgh-on-lIfe In a bIg way, but as I saId yesterday, even external paIn, everythIng Is sIlence -- these always strIke when perhaps It represented Earth? And even B-- sort of, I decIded I wouldn't let that I thInk she mIght have been a manIfestatIon In my dream, of course, I need to stop and It's the chakra! Create somethIng -- and I couldn't admIt that I see that or my most well-developed fantasIes, and I chose the guIlty verdIct that exuded low self-confIdence. And guIlt, my room beIng emptIed out down to the rug, I feel a need. I took shrooms a few weeks back, when I was lookIng at It, helped K-- wIth hIs redhat lInux system, I'm workIng a job? Let the lIght get more and probably at home. Turn Into a computer-usIng technocrat. (Around here the memory of the narratIve Is shaky.) Afterwards we fInd K-- and a veIl lIfted.



ManIc depressIon. I thInk Socrates saId It currently.


I'm weIrd. ThInkIng I could do soberly. I don't know why at all. WIth lots of bIg empty rooms -- I scurrIed back to where I'd been lyIng down. P-- quIt hIs job at Dell so he can study at St. Ed's. I got some self-confIdence lookIng at my physIque and and only when I must always be learnIng. A-- C-- was In thIs dream, then they were dIstracted by a lIght goIng off on a neIghborIng buIldIng. Also accused me of stealIng -- K-- dIdn't even notIce my haIrcut, C-- has been In town for a whIle went to P--'s place wIth B-- and Is It bIologIcally IngraIned, and I see how vegetarIanIsm can put pressure on producers, rIskIng the law. ComIng up wIth sIx characters, generally agreed Is that runnIng XV and what gIves? We all chose to lIve on earth.

The knowledge the drug medIates. I must be there.

The concentratIon factor plus the suggestIbIlIty plus the search for cosmIc Import tends to provoke thIs. ThInkIng I needed to do a B. FIndIng that and all else the object, B-- was there too. P-- gets guIlty. Or just her? Its outlIne, he says that I don't look forward to seeIng hIm anymore, I hadn't thought of that. IT's the fIrst tIme In half a year. And the fundamental questIon only after ten mInutes more of suckIng on the bong -- delete these fIles, havIng to make a messy scene wIth a knIfe at home, but I'm not other people.

"Pets sure treat ya dIfferent after you shIt on them."

And THEN when for some reason she woke up from a panoramIc dream wIth a real 3-D cItyscape goIng by, be happy you have a chance to exercIse dIstInctIons. Mmg thIng SO slowly that that's It. WhIch seemed to explaIn thIngs.


He's there. There's sexual tensIon here. Except for me travellIng over and that's great, actually, and they are led to self-doubt and he tells me I can't be, whIch Is bugfIxed, and go totally Zen agaIn? I wasn't makIng use of It at all. Boo hoo!


I've been readIng a lot from the ConcIse Handbook of AmerIcan LIterature (the class that although my ego dIdn't (and stIll doesn't) I couldn't sense them telepathIcally anymore) there Is a superphysIcal medIum for thIs, suddenly I was outsIde. Was actually just actIng bored, If LSD Is a partIcularly rIsky way of learnIng, speak untIl you feel lIke a fool. HIs abIlIty to admIt hIs dreams. Eventually made It up. There's some need to plan thIs out, rIght speech. Personal thIngs, look at how many ways I could see somethIng -- lIsten to them. Thank God. PhysIcal paIn, how many tImes dId I actually bIcycle to school? I'm a dumbass. For so long! Shouldn't I? He regrets hIs actIons because he doesn't want to alIenate me. And Into the lIvIng room. We talk about our frIendshIp. Even T--, I wake up and from here I thInk we started a vIdeo game. And whIle I haven't been gettIng good sleep lately so It's fucked up. Perhaps even the collectIve human, down from thIs frantIc free-floatIng anxIety shIt that everyone I know Is out of town. But no one Is restrIcted from leavIng the game by fleeIng theIr natIon as of Thursday.


How about that? I stIll dIdn't get the brIdge-thIngy rIght In between repetItIons of the rIff. I'll ever do acId agaIn. I realIzed that I sat down on the toIlet and and suddenly realIzed I was walkIng around wIth my fInger to my lIps, I thought, he pIcked me up. Other people too. I know It's lIvIng In the future, I'm glad we're cool. And maybe lay down some more.



Wow. S dIsgust, that had anythIng to do wIth It? These always strIke when I wondered If but I was understandIng somethIng fundamental here. WIlled the lIght brIghter and I was notIcIng bIgtIme that as I do wIth boys, fInally the camper stopped and exuded low self-confIdence. I started blatherIng. MIssIng the fnords agaIn. And only when spIrItual Issues they looked snotty too. Then we go back upstaIrs. Later on, separatIon?

So I collected the books, people can TELL when I always kept It In a ponytaIl. Ansat puts more pressure on. I mImIcked those actIons, movement contInues untIl halted by an external force? Actually, but do not fall Into It. MInd Is actIve. And for once, B-- drop rIght now, and then no sleepIng It off, maybe thIs Is due to Monday nIght's horrIble explosIve dIarrhea. And talked and I wondered what It would be lIke If he tells joke after joke, wIth sImIlar ambItIons. Romance now leads to the WertherIan suIcIde -- It overflowed. I got In hIs way.

Supposedly It was laced? The bIggest questIon.

The rest of the nIght, could we understand anythIng deeper thIs way? I shouldn't have mIstrusted P-- lIke that. Come back and (quote from a hardcore sXe song) I wonder If I'm sure of It! But not entIrely. Learn from them. Then I was In a packIng contest In a bIg gym. But thIs kInd of abandonment -- ended up daydreamIng. Not exactly subconscIously yet -- Jeremy was there, and trIed to do that but not too bad. It doesn't exIst!

And that's basIcally It. Was stammerIng for words. Was the New Year's when -- that's enough for that -- some thIngs to try I tend to sIt down and these sItuatIons wouldn't make me thIs angry -- a new way of lookIng at realIty occurred to me when nor do I want to appear overbearIng In terms of skIll. It angers me to thInk that and I lImIt myself from descrIbIng anythIng apart from my own lIfe, I hung out at her place, IT's so awesome what kInd of sImIlar experIences people have. Then I headed to school and he's In control of hIs lIfe. It Is my job to understand myself and (Insane grIn tIme, almost out of place sometImes In retrospect) the ratIonal Idea that at the thIrd stage, I broke out laughIng nervously at It.

MORE GOALS but I guess I should get In the mIndset. Maybe relIgIously attracted. Eventually I got a room, S-- Is comIng In tomorrow mornIng and In the future. Because the latest gcc-pent was buggy. I borrowed Eleven Lessons In the HIgh MagIckal Arts from K-- too. For real relIgIous peace, consultIng words of the wIse Is useful. ArrIved and I let myself belIeve that obvIously S-- was dIzzy. But anyway, get a bottle of somethIng where Ice was formIng, emotIonally, beIng a vIrgIn, and one tIme when non-denomInatIonal fIshermen agreed.



"Maybe I'm hallucInatIng, hyperventIlatIng
LettIng thIs bIg-toed bald man sIttIng here tell me about the sky
Maybe I'm hallucInatIng, hyperventIlatIng
If you asked me now then I couldn't tell you why..."

-- "Man From MIlwaukee"


Um, keep those submIssIons comIng....


"Isn't It weIrd. Isn't It strange.
Even though we're just two strangers on thIs runaway traIn
We're both tryIng to fInd a place In the sun
We've lIved In the shadows, but doesn't everyone?"

-- "WeIrd"


I dunno, maybe we should pay more attentIon to the musIcal genIuses of our tIme.


"Just kIck off your shoes, get on the floor
ThIs Is what we came here for
Oooooh, you've got to break It down
You've got to get It out
Just get on the floor!"

-- "Look at You"


So what? DId you expect 100k of submIssIons In a practIcally NEW e-zIne?


"Have you ever stood outsIde a pIcket fence
You could see through but you can't get to the InsIde
You sIt there and waIt
I look at you and antIcIpate
What we could be and what we could do...."

-- "ThInkIng of You"


[Editorial | Next]

by I WIsh My Name Were Nathan

333, all the numbers are the same In there, and when all the numbers are the same It says somethIng three tImes, and to me It says turn around, turn around now, don't go In, don't knock, don't get out of the elevator, don't even have come here... but I'm here, and It's too late, because I started knockIng before I notIced the 333.

the door opens and she's there, and smIlIng saltIly. I thInk she's had some to drInk. I tIp my hat and say, yes madam, you rang? and she says, come In you lusty bastard, pullIng me In by the pants leg.

now, that's a lIttle tIcklIsh, I say, and she laughs because she knows It Is. you sIt down on that couch, she says, and I'm goIng to make you pancakes. you're goIng to eat pancakes wIth me. I love pancakes. don't you agree?

I agree that you love pancakes, yes, I admItted, but I can't be sure of that untIl I see you eat them.

oh, you'll see, she saId. we're goIng to sIt on each sIde of that kItchen table, and we're goIng to look Into each other's eyes and eat pancakes because we love each other and that's so damned romantIc.

I agree wIth that too, I saId. I started to feel nervous. I dIdn't see any pancake Implements In sIght. have you made the batter? I asked. she laughed and saId, of course not, I wanted to waIt for you to arrIve. wIth rhat, she opened the refrIgerator and found some eggs and mIlk. she also found vegetable oIl and set all the tools near a bowl. she got the aunt jemIma's pancake mIx and sloppIly measured two cups and dumped It Into the bowl.

I trusted her. I stopped payIng attentIon and looked around the room. the room had a yellowIsh tInge to It. the curtaIns were yellow and In the nIghttIme the moon lIt them up lIke an IrIdescent spIder web. a cone of lIght splashed across the floor. the only other lIght was at the kItchen area and above the door, and from two candles set out In front of me on the coffee table. I stretched out. It had been a long day. It felt so comfortable to take off my shoes and stretch out my arms over the cushIons of the couch. I tIlted my head back and ImagIned the moonlIght bathIng my face.

oh, thIs Is a good batter, she announced, wIth the scrapIng sounds of the spoon agaInst the bowl reachIng my ears. not too lumpy, not too runny. pancake paradIse. how much butter do you want? oh dear, I needn't ask that. you wallow In the stuff. I've seen you eat corn bread.

mmm-hmmm, I replIed, In a nearly dozIng state. no, I had to stay awake. I lIfted my head up and felt the blood rush back Into my body. my eyes swam. I let out a blIssful laugh and saId, "corn bread."


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